The emotional wave Coaster of Divorce

In the United States half of all marriages end in divorce. The deplorable truth is that most of these divorces result in unnecessary collateral damage, as the family issues involved are far too complex and personal for a court to address.

Review

"Collaborative Divorce” is a radiant accomplishment and major contribution to people going in the course of a divorce. This comprehensive and deeply intelligent volume will prove to be a precious resource for helping couples who are separating and the professionals who work with them to navigate the stormy waters of divorce with intent, veracity. It is truly a new and better way to end a marriage or any friendly partnership. This first book on the subject is written by experts for couples who are on the verge of divorce and want to keep their integrity, come to a reasonable financial settlement, and help their children through this difficult transition.

Note

The following is a note from the book Collaborative Divorce
The emotional wave Coaster of Divorce

Divorce is an emotional task unlike any other in modern society, and different people experience it in different ways. While some individuals go through nearly all of the tremendous exciting states that we explain here, others have an easier time getting during this period and will maneuver these choppy waters with more skill. The important thing to remember is that all the emotions we converse are normal, but while some are readily approved by the people experiencing them, others are so scratchy that it's difficult even to admit they exist. The wide array of emotional states that many people experience during the early stages of the divorce process can reduce their capacity to think clearly, stain their judgment, and make balanced decision making difficult or impossible.

Unhappiness

When a marriage ends it is natural to be sad. Although it's painful, unhappiness is a healthy emotional response to the loss of an important relationship. We are hardwired to feel it, and it wouldn't be reasonable to expect otherwise. While unhappiness can be very hard to handle, most people do understand and accept the certainty of these feelings.

We know from research, theoretical writings, and personal experience with thousands of people going through divorces that though the emotional impact of a divorce is as rigorous as that of a death in the immediate family, the unhappiness and healing process does have a beginning, middle, and end. Though they may seem endless, the pain and confusion surrounding division and divorce do steadily lighten and finally go away for most people over a period of eighteen months to three or four years following the wedded division, though recovery can be quicker or slower.
Understanding these stages can be very considerate when it comes to talking about divorce and decision making. It's important to know that when you are in the early stages of this unhappiness and recovery progression, it can be challenging to think clearly or to make decisions at all, much less to make them well. Identifying your present stage of unhappiness and being aware of it is an important step to ensuring that you will make the best choices you can.

Ignominy

Experiencing guilt and shame is also a normal reaction to the end of a marriage. These feelings arise when we feel a sense of failure -- of not having fulfilled our own or our community's prospect. In the case of divorce, people often feel shame because they have failed to stay married for life. That's partly a matter of personal expectations -- not fulfilling the promises made to a spouse and also partly a matter of not fulfilling what our culture seems to expect from us. If our culture's expectations about marriage and divorce are reasonable -- if they fit well with how people actually behave in that culture -- and we don't measure up, the guilt and shame felt at the time of divorce may be appropriate. If the culture's expectations don't match well with the reality of marriage and divorce as people actually live it, the guilt and shame can be much more problematic -- difficult to see clearly, difficult to acknowledge, difficult to manage in a divorce. In addition, there are some marriages in which one or both partners have busy in extremes of infidelity, deceit, or even criminal behavior that almost always involve feelings of guilt and shame.

Regardless of whether the feelings arise from not having met one's own or the culture's ideals or from actual wrong doing, we know that for many individuals, guilt and shame can be so painful that they change very quickly into other, more acceptable feelings, such as anger or gloominess often without the person's even knowing that the shame are there. This is why it is so common in divorce for each partner to blame the other and why it can be so difficult for divorcing partners to accept responsibility for their own part in a failed marriage.

We've encountered few divorcing people who find it easy to see or admit their own feelings of guilt and ignominy. These powerfully negative feelings often remain under the radar, hidden and invisible, where they do the most harm. Strong feelings of guilt or shame can make it difficult or impossible to take in more balanced information, to maintain your perspective, and to consider realistically your best alternatives for how to resolve problems.
Ignominy often transforms into blame, anger, or rage directed at the wife. Sour fights over children or property can be propelled by feelings like these, because modern divorces rarely brand either partner as Snow White or Hitler, Prince Charming or the Wicked Witch, and therefore the resentment, which needs to go anywhere, goes into fights over matters that courts are acceptable to make orders about.

Fear and concern

Fear and concern are common because of our hardwired "fight-or-flight" instinct. Our bodies react to stresses (such as an angry phone call from a wife) by using physical alarm mechanisms that haven't changed since our intimates had to react instantly to avoid being eaten by saber-toothed tigers. You react to stress physiologically in the following ways:

• Your heart speeds up, and adrenaline pours into your bloodstream
• Your adrenaline makes your heart contract more forcefully and may cause you to feel a pounding sensation in your head
• Your attention homes in on the event that triggered the strong feelings, limiting your ability to take in new information

When people are under constant and stern stress, they may have anxiety attacks, in which they tremble and their heart pounds. Or they may be paralyzed by almost overwhelming feelings of fear that seem to come out of nowhere. We work with many people who experience these feelings as their marriages end. People who feel overwhelmed or confused in this way tend to fall back upon old habits of thought and action rather than looking intelligently at the facts of their situation and weighing the best choices for the future.

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