Steven Wright - The Sublime Comedian

If you have seen one comedian, you have often seen many since they tend to borrow the same jokes from each other. When it comes to the great Steven Wright, however, everything is unique, bizarre and utterly hilarious.

Who is Steven Wright? He is a sublime comedian who has to be seen to be enjoyed. He once did an HBO special in a cardboard refrigerator box for two people which should tell you everything you need to know. If not, here are some of his quips on life.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

Article Source: http://www.articleselections.com

Aazdak Alisimo writes for FunnyQuotesDaily.com, where you can get free funny quotes updated each and every day of the year.

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